Filed under "Stories"

April 11, 2017

The Littlest Bully

In fourth grade, I attracted a particularly nasty bully.

Sometimes, before class, he’d stop by my desk and slap me across the cheek. My response was always to clam up, and he always got away with it.

One day, while I was standing on first base during a game of kickball, the bully ran over to me and pushed me down in front of my classmates. When I looked over to the nearby teachers for support, I saw the bully’s mom–also a teacher—laughing at me while I brushed the dirt off my pants. It ran in the family.

An important detail here is that the bully was much smaller than me, at least by a foot. But I was a friendly, awkward giant and absolutely never stood up for myself. He knew this about me because we were best friends in first grade. I used to spend the night at his house and, on one occasion, we stayed up late and danced to the Macarena. It was new and cool then.

Then one day he jumped on my back during a basketball game. He screamed over my shoulder and said he wanted the ball. So I gave him the ball by smacking him in the mouth with it. It was an accident. But it must’ve hurt; he jumped off my back and responded in a way that I still remember vividly: he clenched his teeth, stomped his foot on the ground, gave a pained ugh! and walked away.

He didn’t pick on my anymore after that.

We went through eight more years of school together after the bullying phase, but things were different then. Sometimes I wished we could go back to first grade when we were friends. But he became a basketball star and I became a musician and our worlds never met again.

I looked him up on Facebook recently. I saw where he is in his life and I smiled. Good for him. Then I closed the tab and went on to other things.

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When I was in first grade, I found a Leopard Moth Caterpillar (pic) near a playground swing set. I was instantly freaked out by the prickly needles on its skin.

I ran over to fetch my friend to share what I’d found. He told me a story he heard about a Leopard Moth Caterpillar falling from a tree, landing on a man, and killing him. I was a gullible kid, so from that day forward, I was deathly afraid of those caterpillars. Even worse, I’d get nervous walking under trees.

Each time I’d stand near a tall tree, I’d nervously look up and around, expecting a Leopard Moth Caterpillar to fall out of a tree and murder me with its razor sharp skin.

Only minutes before writing this did I realize that the Leopard Moth Caterpillar’s spiked exterior is actually hair.

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These days, I’m managing a team of engineers at a tech company in California, all thanks to a guy from my hometown who drank too much at a party and cheated on his girlfriend.

Let me explain.

In 2007, I was a single, recent high school grad on my way to an uncertain career path. I had a small group of friends I’d known for most of my life. Shortly after starting college, one of those friends introduced me to his new girlfriend, Sarah. He’d known Sarah for most of his life, but they only recently made a connection after Sarah’s boyfriend cheated on her during a drunken night out at a party. While Sarah’s heart was broken, my friend stepped into her life. Shortly after their relationship began, my friend introduced me to Sarah. We three became fast pals.

One day, in passing, Sarah mentioned that I’d be a perfect match for her friend, Ashlee. I knew the name; I’d seen pictures of this Ashlee girl on MySpace (yep, MySpace). She was super pretty. Weeks later at a social gathering, I ran into Ashlee. To my dismay, she was with another guy.

She was just as pretty as her pictures. Recalling Sarah’s match-making recommendation, I introduced myself and pointed out our shared connection. Through this alone, we bonded and soon became close friends. One year later, after her relationship with the other guy fizzled and through a series of unusual events (that’s a story for another day), Ashlee and I were dating.

Fast forward two years later. Ashlee and I headed to a new college. We embraced the college experience as well as two introverts can manage and spent most days together. One day, on our way out of the cafeteria, I stepped through the main doors only to find that Ashlee was no longer walking with me. I turned back to find her scanning a job posting bulletin board. She met my eye and pointed my attention to one of the flyers. It was a job posting for an IT Specialist Internship at a local accounting firm, a perfect fit to go along with my major. A few weeks later, I landed the job. Looking back, that was the day my career began.

Years later, as Ashlee and I were making marriage plans and I was building my experience in the IT Specialist role, she took me out for dinner. She could sense my complacency in my job. She reminded me I could always go somewhere else and pursue a better job. I didn’t have to stay somewhere that wasn’t good for me. In my heart, I knew she was right, and it was this insistence that would push me out of my comfort zone into something better. Months later, I made a career change into something I had a growing interest in, web development. While that IT Specialist job is what started my career, the move into web development is when I found my purpose, and I credit my wife for the motivation to make the switch.

Two years later, the complacency set in once again. I was exhausted. That first web development job was working me far too hard to maintain a happy newlywed life, and she again stepped in to give me the push I needed; this time, it would be an even greater step forward than before.

“Boobie,” as she calls me, “I think it’s important that we move away from home.” It had been an ongoing discussion since the beginning of our marriage a year earlier. I was terrified. Both of our jobs up to that point had planted us firmly close to our childhood home, but we both knew there were greater possibilities out in the world. With our shared goal, we set our sights on a move.

Months later, we hit the road to Memphis, TN. Up to that point, I never imagined I’d leave home. It was never in the plan. I’d go to the schools on my life to-do list, get a boring degree, settled down with a boring life that never challenged me, maybe have some kids, and die. That’s the best I had ever hoped for. Sure, I had dreams to see and experience the world, but I truly don’t believe I would’ve chased them without the continued support of my wife. She’s said the same of me; I think we’ve always been great for each other.

Memphis would turn out well for us; we developed a strong community of friends and found our footing in the world far away from the familiarity of home. With each other, it was easier than we’d expected. But still, something crept back. The call of the outside world was still alluring. Should we answer it?

Answer it we did, in the form of me receiving a job recruitment email to a tech company in California. As we debated pros and cons, it was decided for us by what I can only attribute to divine intervention. A good phone interview turned into a good technical evaluation, which turned into a terrifying flight to California for a round of interviews. From there, an accepted offer turned into a frantic search for a place to live, which culminated in an apartment acquisition that, in retrospect, defied all odds.

With these events laid before us, we made our move to California. It was me who made the final decision to move this time, much to Ashlee’s distress. She had to abandon a good job and put her career prospects in the air, leaving us in a difficult position in examining the trajectory of our lives. It would take months to overcome the outcome of this difficult decision, but as was the common thread through our lives up to that point, new opportunities presented themselves to Ashlee in the form of some amazing calligraphy projects and a few featured spots in a California magazine.

As my career was carrying on at the tech company, my planned path towards a potential Senior Engineer title after a few years soon was up in the air as my manager left the company. Suddenly, my role was being shifted to another department to assist with resourcing needs, and I began to wonder if that Senior title would ever come. Could it be that our California move was just a big mistake that I’d brought us into?

One day, as my fellow engineers and I were discussing our difficulty in finding a new manager, I went home to consult my wife. “What if I applied for the manager role?” I asked her, suddenly afraid of the words.

“Boobie,” she said, “I believe in you.”

That’s all I needed. Weeks later, I went through a round of interviews with my peers, leading to a successful promotion into my current manager role.

I often wonder what that moment of success will represent in 10 years time. Will it be the beginning of a string of failures, of greater success, of terrible tragedy?

All I know is that the story of the jerk at the party who cheated on Sarah, whose introduction led me to meeting my wife Ashlee, whose encouragement led me away from a life of complacency, which gave me the confidence to pursue bigger goals makes a damn crazy string of events if you ask me.

I sometimes wonder what became of that guy at the party. Maybe I should buy him a beer.

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April 18, 2016

The joy of great parents

The best gift I’ve received throughout my life is that of a happy childhood. I was the proud owner of marvelous parents, and it shames me to say that it took over two decades to realize just how great I had it.

My parents were unlucky enough to be burdened with an annoying, chunky little dork who had a difficult time finding his way in social settings. My childhood was riddled with embarrassing anecdotes, awkward panic attacks, and the bitter defeat of bullying by kids who were either half my size or years younger than me. I was also a teary kid, to which my mom would sympathetically claim that I simply had a big heart.

But they loved that little dork, and my need for approval and affection was never left wanting. My mom would later tell me that in raising me, I was their hobby.

From those early years, I was raised to be a functional adult. I was taught to work hard, whether it be in school or in day to day chores. But of course, I didn’t work hard at all. Working of any sort sucked. Instead, I just wanted to play video games, which I spent vast amounts of time doing (I’m most certain that my parents lost years of sleep over this, imagining their son would continue to be a dork well into his adult years. Sadly, I’m still a dork who plays video games. (Sorry, mom and dad).

But when the disapproving speeches weren’t working, my dad took the time to try another approach at bringing me out of my shell and showing me a more adventurous side to life – he spent quality time with me. A lot of it.

Looking back at times with my dad, I remember fishing, taking long road trips, jumping on a plane and going to Orlando, going to Six Flags, joining up with a Boy Scout Troop, getting involved in formative church activities, he coached every sport I played, and made an effort to involve himself in any and all activities I took part in. I was never without my dad.

My mom was unbearably patient with me, and I had the unique opportunity of having her involved in the vast majority of my early years. She chose to be a teacher where I attended school from K5 to senior year, and she was never out of reach when those pint sized bullies ruined my day or I needed to hide from the perils of high school drama. I was a mamma’s boy to the core, it seems.

By day, there was Teacher Mom. By night, there was Coach Dad.

I also had the good fortune of having parents that simply let me be a confused little kid. When confronted with the choice of playing baseball or trying out for football, I firmly said, “neither!”, to which my dad, gracious as he was, provided his full approval at my decision. When my attention later turned to music, they were all in.

There was never a feeling of having to live up to unrealistic expectations. From as early as I can remember, they had a core message in the way they raised me: you’re our son, and we’re proud of you, no matter what.

•    •    •

Today, I feel as though I approached adulthood with grace, little of which I attribute to my own doing. In college, I met a great woman that I would go on to marry. I took on a great job that led to an even better career. I walked a path that my parents helped carefully shape through patience, lessons of faith, and an unwavering ability to display their love, even at my worst.

When it was time for me to leave the nest, they waved goodbye with the promise that I would always be welcome back.

In moving away from home, far from the sphere of influence by my family, I’ve found that my relationship with my parents has evolved in a healthy way. What was once wrapped in guidance is now more closely resembling a deep friendship.

I’ve known many people who wallow through their adult lives, never able to claim a constructive childhood. This is the case for many people, and with that knowledge, it makes me ever more appreciative of the impact my parents left on me. Should the day come that I become a parent myself, I have a proven roadmap based on my own upbringing (though I must say, the thought of living up to their example scares the hell out of me).

But for now, I can go out into the world confident in the example they set. I can love my wife completely, I can dedicate myself to a calling with assurance, and I can father a child with humility, knowing that I was given what I needed most in those early years of life.

I know who I am, and I know my name; my dad gave me his.

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